let's go for a drive and check out the lights

Things are getting better here at Livjournal.

It was simply inevitable and I'm not sad to say that I am happier this way.

I have two hours until I have to go to work at the Atlanta Bread Company. I like the vibe this time of year, making hot chocolates and the like for people coming in from the cold.

It's the little things that keep my going everyday like my tea when I wake up in the morning and the cigarette I smoke while trying to warm my car up before school. I don't think I can go a week without a wednesday spent with alison and coffee, and the butterflies we get when we round the corner of 10th avenue.

I need a daytrip to a pretty place for the winter time with someone to sit in the passenger seat and keep my company and listen to the firebird band.

I like watching previews to other movies more than watching the "feauture presentation" itself. Maybe I'm always looking forward to something a little better.

What's with all of my crazy dreams lately? They have all been involved with the same unlikely people, and in every dream I acted like an absolute lunatic. I hope these aren't the type of dreams that really happen a month or so later. Today is my day off. I've been listening to music and cleaning my room that doesn't have to be cleaned since I woke up this morning. I'm really looking forward to work tomorow. It's just a place where I can go to think all day long.

Summer definetly is slow moving and uneventful. I don't even know what to do to make it any better. I'll just wait for something good to come my way. In less than a month I'll have my license, and hopefully things will be different.

I forgot how good rain after a summer day made me feel. Maybe it's the smell, maybe it's how it sets apart the day and brings on the night. I don't know, I just like it a lot. These days have sort of been a wash. I think I brought this sickness upon myself. I felt so lazy and lifeless not going to work or going out just laying down being sick. I've been waiting for the upcoming days for so long. "The first days of summer." It's supposed to be and exciting. I'm supposed to be around my friends. I can't say right now I'm excited. I'm glad tomorow is the last day of school until I'm a senior, but I'm not ready for the "summer" aspect of it all. I just like the sound of extra spare time to do whatever I feel like. I haven't talked to anyone in a while and it worries me that if I don't, relationships are gonna start drifting like the continents do or maybe they've already dropped into the ocean.

A head that aches doesn’t have to stay that way, just let what’s dead go. I know there's pain in leaving things all too well. In time, you’ll find needing things only kills you slowly. If you’re not sure who you are, you’re not alone. If you’re not sure what you want, you’re not alone. If you’re not sure of life of love, you’re not alone. Tell your friends, hey come on over and talk. You bring the drinks, I’ll bring the bad mood. Everyone feels like you. Tell your dad to come on over and we’ll talk, you bring your drinks, I’ll bring the fuck you’s. Long awaited, long overdue. Tell your ex-girlfriend you need her to be there at bedtime. Cause you cant sleep your minds on all these things. Bring out what’s dead and dying (something) while you still can.

Friday night I went to the My Chemical Romance show with Steve. I haven't listened to them in a while and I kind of grew out of liking them, but seeing that show changed my mind a whole lot. They really put on a great show.

For a while I was thinking I had it with everything and everyone, then Kory gave me flowers. I still don't know how I'm feeling lately. A bit confused I guess. I like going to the parkway rest stops to use the machine that changes my penny into something else. After work last night was another Scavenger Hunt. Nothing beats the crommie adventure, but it was still fun. One week and three days left til summer.

It felt good to sleep in this morning. When I came home last night I forgot to set my alarm clock, and it did me good. Last night was Braid, and I enjoyed it very much. I thought Minus the Bear and Murder by Death were pretty awesome, too. I miss going to shows. I think I'm gonna try and get back with my old routine of going to at least one show a week. When I drive all I want to do is go to shows by myself. Its so different that way. I would like it.

I had so many different things going through my head this morning when I woke up just laying in my bed. I don't know what to think of anything anymore. Sometimes I think I should just go to the record store and buy a bunch of records and just sit in my room and listen to them for days on end, that way at least I know I'll be happy. These familiar faces that just seeing them would do so much for me are now just wearing me out and making me tired. But seeing Keith, Eric, Hagaman, and Steve at the diner last night and just talking to them made me miss last summer so much. Maybe I'll just have to catch a bike ride with those boys sometime soon. And we have to get our Bouncing Souls Soccer Game together real soon.

"I can't tell what kind of life I've led today"

Working every day of the week is getting real old real fast. At first I liked it, because I was constantly on the go, now I just want to sit back and take a breath. I haven't even had a chance to clean my room, and I love cleaning my room with some music on real loud. However, I do love working at the boardwalk. I work there Saturday and Sundays until I'm done working at PAL, then I work there everyday. It's so much fun and laid back. I'll never get stressed out working there. And I never thought that I would enjoy working with the people I do so much. They are the type of kids that I can never see myself being friends with, but we spend the whole day laughing until we're falling down. We already started naming the weird regulars that have been coming in. I love meeting these people, too.

Summer is soon to be here, and a part of me is real nervous about it. I had the best summer possible last year and I don't think anything could really top it. I guess it doesn't matter, because you'll still always remember that one awesome summer, and you'll still make new great memories in those other summers. I'm just hoping this one satisfies me.

School tomorow, then work, then BRAID!

I'm taking salsa lessons.

What would you think of me now?

Well I'm grounded for two weeks for going to the Augustus show Monday night at the Stone Pony. I guess it was worth it. I just don't know what to do with myself. When I have too much time on my hands I start thinking crazy thoughts. I need to go to the library and get some books to Spain. I need my trip with Taryn to come soon. I don't know how long I can wait.

Well Prom was on Friday. It was sort of a let down, but then again I guess I knew what I was getting myself into. I just thought it would be better this year to be with my friends. The whole time I just felt like I didn't belong at prom at all, like I didn't deserve to be there. All those girls looked so pretty and so happy to be there while I just wanted to go to a place where I felt more comfortable. We left really early and said, "Who's up for the diner."

Camping was after prom. The first night was a disaster but my the second night things were much more fun and carefree. I couldn't have asked for much more than to go on an adventure with my boys Kory and Keith. Getting lost in the woods, finding a huge wide open field in the pitch black night sky, getting on a main road and thinking about how in scary movies when the victim gets on the main road they think they're home free but instead the killer is in that next car coming down the road, so each time we saw headlights it was nothing but diving into the woods and waiting for it them to pass. That happened a lot.

I'm so confused these past few days. I don't know what to think of anything. Maybe I should just be happy. Take every day as it comes. I hope that day comes sooner.

i love how it's not so hard to say i'm all right.

i love the feeling of the sun burning through a car window and then burning through your jeans until you can feel it burning your thighs.

i love driving down the parkway with eva singing against me! real loud and we don't care if our voices sound bad.

i love staying up all night when everyone around me has fallen asleep at 4 am and I can have control of my own dreams.

i love going to the diner at a faraway town at 2 am sitting next to a drunk boy you don't know at a table full of smiling faces listening to the wonder years theme song from the jukebox as everyone chimes in out of tune.

i love watching people dig for change just so they can hear a familiar song out of a jukebox.

i love being in a room full of unfamiliar faces but then there's that one person that knows you real well and it's okay you don't talk because words aren't important enough.

i love driving slow down the beach roads on a sunday morning with mom in my volvo station wagon telling her about the little things that give me butterflies.

i love laughing at your jokes.

i love laying in the grass when i should be in school.

i love how i feel so good right now that i can love everything.

This weekend was rather enjoyable. It felt just like old times. Friday White Power picked me up to go the show at Lauren's house. It was good to see people that I haven't seen in a long time like Fondi, and I even met the infamous Randy Beers. "Get off Randy(i) street!" After the show it was to OQ as usual.

Saturday I got my hair done and my nails done like a girl. Then I met Schauer, Keith Vegan, and Kor at OCP. It was a picnic like scenario. I took pictures with Jonesy's camera. Amand, Keith, and I ended up driving around this grand old state. I enjoyed it very much. I saw a different side of this area where we live and liked it a lot. Amanda and I met Rach and Steve at OQ. We were all supposed to go to Downer but when we got there it was too cold and we had to get more blankets, so Rachel and I drove to get some. During the ride we had an amazing talk. I really love her. She even threw a cigarette in my hair now its burnt. By the time we got back to Downer I had to go home.

Today was Kory Patrick and Randi Rose's day to fuck shit up. We went to Downer in the morning to take pictures of our names in the sand. We visited Richard and Model A. We drove around and sang really loud. We visited Beagin at Sundaes with Markee and Nic. Mark told me the only reason I want a baby is because I'm white trash and I need something to love me. Ha!

Tomorow is going to be BEAUTIFUL. I want to skip school, but I've already missed too many days. I'll just have to enjoy the day through the window, and at work I'll play in the sun at the playground.

Back to the same routine that you can't escape. Back to acting like robots.

I was actually looking forward to today. I took off of work to go to Rainer Maria. However, there is no longer anything to look forward to. I'm not going. Turns out people are more selfish than I thought. Why do I always have to have something to look forward to keep going?

Listening to Murder City Devils stoned as hell is probably the only thing that can get me in a better mood right about now.

If I had to make a list of all that I need it would simply be smoking and talking with Taryn laying on a roof as soon as we wake up listening to Jimmy Eat World's Clarity.

Even though I don't have to explain myself. I've realized some things in life can hurt and change the way you look at people you love. But this friendship has been the only thing that I could ever hold onto and depend on. The only thing that can make me constantly okay. It was there before all of this now. Before first loves, new friends, new experiences, it was just us as best friends and it was all I could ask for. And once again it's all I can really ask for. Because in reality, nothing else matters but the times when you truly feel like this is the best it can get. Why should I give it all up to won't matter at all later on in life.

 

 

"I slept under a six-foot-square poster emblazoned with the words LOVE WILL TEAR US APART, and then I wondered why nothing good ever happened in that bed."

I just finished reading Prozac Nation. I found it be a very important book to me. Maybe it's because I'm not sure what is wrong with me and while reading it I felt like I was reading words that I could have wrote.

I told myself that this break would be a time of self-realization and understanding. What happens if I come to realize that deep down inside I will always be this depressed person. Sure I have had my fair share of laughs and good times, but they never were just that. Whenever I'm really happy, all I can do is worry that the feeling won't last long. And indeed it doesn't. Nothing gold can fucking stay.

I have always told myself that I got to tough out these tough days that turn into tough years. Even if I don't like the situations I'm in or the people that surround me, I figure if I go with the flow of things, one day it will all turn out just right for me. I'm just a dreamer, that's all I really am. I'm constantly daydreaming of places I'd rather be or people I'd rather be with to hide my feelings of loneliness. She told me that one day the dreams will stop and they will become reality. That these scenarios I act out in my head will actually happen. Well do I really feel like waiting around for it to happen? I'm just plain sick and tired of always waiting. Everyone always says that things will come with time, or give it time and things will be okay. I give it time until I fucking had enough and I'm just ready to quit, because in reality "time" is just an excuse and gets you nothing but all this wasted time.

Where do you go when everyone you've ever loved has turned their back on you? I'm tired of walking around with this heavy heart. I'm tired of being so full of love with no one to give it to.

These days are empty and meaningless and no one cares. I spend them walking pointlessly around an empty house listening to music that does nothing for me anymore. I used to listen to music and it would help me feel better but all it does now is leave me wanting something better. I used to sit in my room and run to the door to lock it if I heard my parent's footsteps walking down the hallway so they couldn't get in. They'd always want in to see how I was, to see if I was okay. Even to yell at me at times to snap me out of the state I was in. Now, I sit in my room  hearing footsteps but don't bother to get up and lock the door because now they don't even bother to say goodnight. I never thought I could feel so low. I really think I've hit rock bottom.

p.300 Prozac Nation: "In the book Understanding Depression, Donald F. Klein, M.D., and Paul H. Wender, M.D., characterize atypical depressives as people who respond positively to good things that happen to them, are able to enjoy simple pleasures like food and sex and tend to oversleep and overeat. Their depression which is chronic rather than periodic and which usually dates to adolescence, largely shows itself in lack of energy and interest, lack of initiative, and a great senstivity to periodic-particularly romantic--rejection."

1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
"I can just hear the words "inoperable brain cancer" being whispered to me by some physician twenty years from now." -Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
A quilt rack with quilts my mom made.

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?
skate videos last night at jeff's

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what time it is:
2:45

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?:
2:45

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?:
Rivers barking in his sleep.

7: When did you last step outside? what were you doing?
last night at 12, I was walking into my house after Shawn brought me home.

8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
Braid tour dates

9: What are you wearing?
old jeans, a tan T-shirt that has an acoustic guitar and says "love song", and white and pink socks

10: Did you dream last night?
i dream so much everynight. last night i had a dream i had weed stashed around my room every little place you could imagine. i got really scared, i woke up to find it and nothing was there.

11: When did you last laugh?
Right now listening to Rivers bark and try to run in his sleep.

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?:
nothing really. i hate this room. there's a clock and a wreath with ugly flowers in it.

13: Seen anything weird lately?:
i saw a lot of wierd things last night, but i can't really remember. there was a top heavy fish in jeff's tank that always just drifted downwards or flipped upside down.

14: What do you think of this quiz?:
blah

15: What is the last film you saw?:
the prince and me with mom on saturday

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?:
a little apartment in some spanish speaking country then all the cds that i have ever wanted

17: Tell me something about you that I don't know:
i'd rather sit in my room and read a book then be around people.

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?:
PEACE IN THE MIDEAST

19: Do you like to dance?:
hell yeah, but im really bad so i don't dance around people that i like a lot, i get too embarassed.

20: George Bush: is he a power-crazy nutcase or some one who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?:
the first

21a: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?:
I thought I had this down, but I really don't know.

21b: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?:
Elliot (i really like Pete's Dragon)

22: Would you ever consider living abroad?
sure

Today was really tiring.
I got out of bed because I had to throw up. I'm really sick. I mean REALLY sick.

I feel sad, because Sarah and Britney are complete bitches. They told everyone I have an STD, just because I slept with both of their boyfriends on Saturday night.

I'm so stoned.

Last night I had to masturbate twenty times. I'm so horny. Click here to see my website.

I want to tell the world that I'm gay.

I am making this journal friends only because I don't want the world to read what I'm writing, even though I'm posting it on the internet.

Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! I'm so ugly. Don't look at my photos pleeeeeze.

I want to say thanks to the world for absolutely fucking nothing! You all suck. I feel so alone, no one ever reads this journal, or even comments to let me know that I'm not suffering alone. It's cold here, and I want to die, but I cannot figure out how many of you to take with me when I go.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have bipolar disorder, and should stop smoking drugs.

You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you next week's lottery numbers.

Created with the Gregors's Semi-Automatic LiveJournal Updater™. Update your journal today!

Today I'm home. I've been feeling sick for the past three days now. I want to relax but I still have to go to work in an hour. This weekend was rather cute. Friday was the party with Gabe, Shaun, and Teddy Bear. It was like something out of a movie. I swear to god it felt like someone picked me up and put me in a movie screen and the whole time I just stood there in awe and in confusion and loved every second of it.

Spring Break is less than a week away and everyone will be parting for the sun and the sand as I retreat to blankets and books and headphones and hooks. I really need this time alone to myself to think and understand a whole lot. I'm so tired of all the fucking bullshit that's been going on. I always thought we were better than this. It's all typical high school drama that I have to sit back and watch happen like it's a bad bad movie. Each day I'm coming to see a different side of people that I thought I knew as well as the back of my hand. I don't understand how people can be so thoughtless and so cruel. I don't like feeling like I'm being lied to and feeling like others are being lied to. I'm not sure how much longer I can watch all of this go on. I've always told myself I want to try my hardest to remain friends with everyone after this is all over and we all go our seperate ways with our lives. But you really haven't given me a reason why I should try. All I want to do is get in a car and drive across the country, because there are so many faces I haven't met that I deserve to.

I should really be excited about prom too, but all I think it is just more of this bad bad high school movie. It would be nice if it all didn't seem so fucking shady.

I've been looking for cars and my heart is set forever on a 1993 240 volvo wagon. I'm in love. I'll do anything for this car. I was daydreaming of me driving around country roads with the windows down and Rivers back in the wagon and I turned up some folk song real loud. It'll happen, you'll see. I don't mind parting with the old Vdubber. It has got its for sale signs on and ready to go.

On a happier note I had a nice conversation with the one and only Amanda Joy Schaurer. Our plan for the summer is to go to other towns and meet new people. I miss the days of driving through these shore towns listening to Brand New. I'm sure they will be back and better than ever.

Things have been changing ever so rapidly, and all I can feel is confused and lost. It's times like these when the people that I would least expect to be there for me in fact are. I'm tired of the blank stares I get as responses from people as I try and allow myself to open up to them. I thought all I wanted was to allow people to get to know me and in return get to know new people. Now the only people that I want around me are the people who know who I am without explanation. People like that don't exist, or don't exist to me anymore. The most hurtful words came out of the mouth of someone unexpected. My own mother told me today that I will without a doubt end up alone and it will be because of my own doing.

Anyway, Friday I went to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with Mom. It was amazing. I really loved it, it made my day. Later that night I hung out with Lindsay, Mark, Erica, Taryn, Mike, Ryan, and Big B. Later that night we were all sitting in Mike's car. We smoked and put on Jimmy Eat World's Clarity. Maybe it was because I was stoned, maybe it was because its the truth, but I felt like that album was the best thing to ever hit my ears. That's the only good thing that came out of that night. As a result I went to Jack's today to pick up that album along with The Replacents' All for Nothing and Nothing for All, and Rainer Maria's new Anyone in Love with You (already knows).

Saturday I hung out with Eva and I really needed it. It's weird how everything works out, and I'm nothing but thankful for it. I have always loved and always will love the talks me and Eva have. She's one of the few that really know me from time and experiences.

I bought a prom dress today, although I'm not very excited about it all.

Lately I've been thinking about what I really want. Is this right now who I want to be or what I want to be doing? I know if I tried I wouldn't have to be alone. Everything seems so meaningless, that I'd just rather not even bother right now. I'm fine with waiting for someone to come around that appreciates the same little stupid things that I do. I like what I had before. I want something like that again.

I've always wanted to just go start my own life somewhere.

This weekend was full of every emotion. Scared, excited, happy, depressed. I'm not sure if its right to feel all of those at one time.

Friday was Kory's birthday. What a time. Spent that day much differently than last year. There was a little party at Ashley's. It was good to see some faces that made everything feel like it was okay. We danced and had a grand old time. I went with Kory to buy his first pack of llegal cigarettes. Later on we all decided we wanted to go to the slaughterhouse. Things start getting exciting now. I drove up with Mark. It took us a while to get there, because we got kind of lost. Normally I like getting lost, because I always seem to have the ability to find the way. I was just too exciting and got extremely antsy. Finally we get there and no one else wanted to go in. I figured we drove out this far that I might as well just do it. Mark, Mike, Ryan, and I walked up the dirt road and met Steve, Jeff, Keith, and Amanda. The slaughterhouse itself wasn't that scary. I like being really scared. It just didn't do it for me. Then we heard sirens and we got a call from Taryn at the car that the cops were coming in. So I followed sketchy as hell Westdyke. Someone says cops and that kids is gone. We ended up running so far threw fields and the woods to get away. It was so exciting. Even though it really wasn't necessary at the time it felt like it was and it made things much more interesting.

Saturday my aunt came back home. She's been living in Florida but she split up with her boyfriend and there's all sorts of trouble there so she came back. It's good to have her here again. The whole family went out to Pete and Elda's. It was cute. On the way home we picked up Jerz and we got dropped off at Ashley's to hang out with her and her cousin. Fondi came and got us. He's such a nice funny guy. There was some trouble that night, but I'm sure it's all okay by now.

Today, Mom and I hung out. We went to see Dirty Dancing Havana Nights. I must say I loved it. I'm such a sucker. I love hot latinos. Mom bought me some new perfume called Amor Amor. Smells like hot latinos. We also made made an appointment to go to Red Bank and look at prom dresses. I just need a date. If anyone wants to go you know what to do.

Tomorow is school and work. I don't really mind though. Friday is pay day. I made a list of everything I'm dying to get already. It's been so long since a paycheck. I can't wait.

This whole week has felt entirely different then any of those that came before it. I feel a certain detachment from the outside world.

I started my new job at PAL on Monday. All I can say is that I love it. The kids are so great and they just make me smile with all of the things that they say. I think this job is the only one that can actually bring me some happiness.

This weekend my parents went away to the Poconos for my mother's birthday. Instead of taking advantage of that, I stayed home alone. To be honest it felt good. Lately, that's all I've been doing. I'm tired of feeling alone when there's a large group of people surrounding me. It's easier to feel alone when you actually are alone. This may not be good for me, but it feels right.

Everyone around me is so young and in love, and I just wish that I knew what it really felt like. I always think about when it will be my turn, then I think I may not ever have a turn. I don't care I just want to at least experience one second of real love. I was watching Forest Gump last night and he says, "I may not be smart, but I know what love is."
All I have are these crushes on the same people that last for years and will never amount to nothing.

I woke up this morning feeling wonderful. As I got up and walked around the house I found that no one was home and everything was clean and in order. Wierd. It felt warm, somewhat like spring. When I went to bed last night it was really early, because my mom changed my curfew because of last week's incident. As soon as my eyes shut a world beyond my own began. My dreams were all of the future. All these amazing things that "only in my dreams" could happen. So I woke up feeling at a different place and a different time. It doesn't feel like Febrruary 21, 2004. Yet something different. I let the dogs out and the sun was shining and it felt warm but it was raining. I love this feeling more than anything. I still don't feel completely normal. Maybe it's because I never have a good night sleep and this is what it feels like to wake up to a new day for new beginings. I just don't think thats it. But I still feel incredible good right now right here. Alone in this house with Rivers by my side. Turning up the music as loud as it goes and just walking aroung. Up the stairs down the stairs, up and down the hallway, in and out of each room. I feel different and this is what I need, change. In my mind change was always a good thing but it didn't happen quite enough. Driving around town with Mark, Taryn, and Erica yesterday was so uncomfortable for me. I would just sit in the backseat and tears would roll down my eyes. There was no reason for it. Everything seems the same. Same story everynight. I love the people I'm around, but its just all so redundant. I definetly need a change. Lately I've just been sitting back and watching all of this and it doesn't make me happy anymore. Only the little things make me happy, like opening the door and discovering its raining through sunshine. I need something new, because right now doesn't seem to be working. This time I'll go where feels right.

I wanna sleep underneath the weeping willow as it cries all night quietly, its tears all around me, I'll sleep there so soundly, until I'm allowed finally, to wake and be happy again. -Grandaddy